Unfiltered. Day 1
Hey.
The last few weeks/months have been really... I mean... really hard for me. In a serious "soul-searching" "mid-life crisis" "I am going to give myself a stroke" kind of way. Yes, that is 100% overdramatic. But it's how I feel and this is my safe space so I can cry if I want to.
We sold our house last month in 24 hours and literally had to move in 2 weeks. We got a cash offer for our asking price from a lady who was moving to Provo from Puerto Rico (ahem probably drug money, just saying'). I never realized just what all has to be done in order to move when you've been living in the same place for 6+ years. Beyond what you've done the previous 3 weeks in preparation to just list your house. I was already burnt out but then to move in 2 weeks was like "holy fuh".
Then on top of the physical things you are ALWAYS doing, the emotions. I am a pretty emotional person. And unfortunately I don't think I gave myself time to really process emotionally what was happening in our lives. I didn't really take a moment to allow myself to feel grateful or sad or thankful for all the precious memories I would have from that house. I just shoved my feelings down and packed us up and moved out. We moved in to my in-laws (who have been nothing but amazing and welcoming and just the absolute best) and I've just felt off ever since. It does a real number on your sense of self moving out of your own space into unfamiliar territory with two dogs who are ALWAYS in other peoples business. I ask myself all the time now, who am I? I feel like the root of who I am is missing all of a sudden. It's crazy how we define ourselves and what things in our life really play a part in that. As a society we are always looking to social media, work, home, relationships, status, God to help define who we are. You are not going to find myself on Instagram (well technically you could, but that's not what I mean). Do you know what I mean?
Unfiltered thoughts going through my head:
When did I stop being me? Did I ever stop or is this really who I am? What has got me in this funk? Is it because of the house? My job? Is this a funk or is this called being an adult? Why is it so hard for me to be grateful for what I have? Selling our house as quickly as we did was the BEST possible scenario for us so why am I so frustrated? Have I made exceptions, excuses and have compromised who I am for the gain of others? Why is my dog constantly whining? Do I not give her enough attention and love? Do I show my husband enough love and appreciation? What the f&*% am I doing with my life? Am I trying to achieve too much too young? Can't I just run away to Disneyland?
The long and short of it is, I am in this really difficult space and I need an outlet. Not sure how the internet seems like a logical place...but we all go through tough shit. No ones life is peachy perfect no matter how pretty their feed looks. I want to be raw, realistic and unfiltered here. So yeah.
-Yours truly.
0 comments: